He's Out of my League.

I’ve been here for pretty much a week now and I’m already debating quiting. Not only is our boss a hypocritical jack ass but everyone is starting to get so cliquey. I’m older than everyone else at my level on this staff and it is making me feel like shit. I’m trying to push myself to get to know everyone more but I’m just not sure Its worth it. Clearly I’m no one here’s best camp bud or first pick on the dance floor. A girl can only go alone for so long before she feels like calling it quits on life all together. But in just over 3 months I’ll be done with this place, and at least some of these people. I’ll hopefully have enough money to pay for school and move out. What a dream.

I can’t help but feel this way. Being overlooked for this long ain’t a good feeling. I don’t just mean by men either, jobs and friends is just as hard to deal with.

-picked never

So as I’m not 15, I’m not a big Bieber fan.  I think the kid has talent, I worked his concert and it was clear he knew what he was doing. His music is just not my kind of jam. But I recently heard his new single “Boyfriend” and just watched the video. Wow there are going to be so many teenage girls freaking the fuck out over him even more now. So funny though. I do wish he didn’t repeatedly rhyme “girlfriend” with “girlfriend.” If we have all learned anything from this song/video it’s that JB and Selena are tots having lots of sex. (ooo big deal….not)

I’m leaving next week to spend the next 4 months working with kids between the ages of 8-18. I need to be ready to talk about this shit. I’m just going to call this weird blog post practice. 

So being done school and having gotten past the post exam anxiety about if i passed or not I have been trying to find things to fill my time. One thing I’ve been doing a lot is painting my nails. This is something I never really do.  I started with simple colours, but now tried something a little more special.  Here is the pink I did last Thursday. I know, a little messy, but it gets better I promise.

 

Monday night I was scrolling through some beauty posts here on Tumblr and found some gradient nails.  I decided to give it a shot…and failed miserably.  I didn’t have a decent top coat or makeup sponges. So pretty much I was an idiot for even trying.  Then yesterday I went out and bought both and here is my lovely finished product! 

So I used this tutorial: http://www.thenailasaurus.com/2012/04/gradient-nails-picture-tutorial.html

Colors are:
Pink - Revlon Top Speed Guava
Purple - Revlon Top Speed Modern Grace
Green - Sally Hansen Insta-dri Mint Sprint 

Ok so I cannot help but post about this. I am pretty nerdy after all. I joined Pottermore and just got sorted into Hufflepuff. I always wanted to be in Griffendor because I wanted to pretend I could be a main part of the story. I never wanted to be in Slytherin, and Ravenclaw would make some sense except for I’m not too cocky, or that competitive.  Hufflepuff works for me :)

“Hufflepuffs are trustworthy and loyal. We don’t shoot our mouths off, but cross us at your peril; like our emblem, the badger, we will protect ourselves, our friends and our families against all-comers. Nobody intimidates us.”

Yeah, that sounds about right. Haha. 

Finishing school this week made me realize how much I’ve alienated myself from everyone this year. Maybe it’s the melodramatic influence of Dawson’s Creek (which I have been watching a lot of lately) speaking but I feel very alone in this world. I would say I’ve never felt more alone but I’m sure that wouldn’t be true. See, my mom just visited her family in Markham about a month ago and since then she keeps telling me how much I remind her of her one sister, Trish. Trish turns 52 today. She has a loving boyfriend, no kids, a few cats, a beautiful property outside of Ottawa, and a large amount of horses.  Her life is pretty amazing. She has however, spent much of it alone. She never married and never had kids.  As I’ve spent very little time with her over the years I don’t really know what her personality is like, but apparently we are very similar. I can’t even explain how scared this makes me. Her life is great now but she spent a long time looking for happiness. I don’t want to do that.  I want to be happy now. 

I’ve been trying you know, to be happy. I try to follow impulses, and laugh more, to have no regrets as they say. Putting yourself out there in any situation whether is be for some man, a job, or just in daily life is taking a risk.  Lately all of these risks seem to have just lead to “heartbreaks”.  I use quotations because I’m sure I’ll look back on this and laugh at my over dramatic rant one day and say “That was not heartbreak, THIS is heartbreak.”

I look at it all differently than I used to because I’m not all that afraid to keep trying. I’m nervous of course but I’m not letting myself get in my own way as much as I used to. I can’t deny that it wouldn’t be nice to have someone other than myself (or even my lovely mother) recognize how far I have come. That however, would require someone to be involved enough in my life to know it. 

That is were I need to keep pushing myself. I need to not be afraid to open up and let some people in, to trust. 

I bombed my exam today. It’s all I can think about.  That isn’t exactly true though, because every time I manage to forget the fact that I not only disappointed myself but my professor who will likely no longer want to have me n his honors class or oversee my thesis…. I start to think about everything else.  It’s 4am and I can’t calm down, I can’t close my eyes and rest.  I’m done school for the year, I’m exhausted, and  despite only getting 5hrs of nightmares last night I still can’t sleep. 

My friends and I were supposed to go out to celebrate tonight.  They bailed and the others neglected to invite me to the movies.  I can’t say I blame them.  I have been so wrapped up in my school work this year I have not been the most social person.  It’s so frustrating to know that despite all my efforts I seem to still be disappointing myself and others around every turn.  I could have used some reassurance from someone other than my mother, who I’m sure is also disappointed in me.  

The to-do list is only going to last me till saturday. I have a feeling sunday is going t be a rude awakening.  Like life is actually slapping me in the face.  A cold hard dose of reality.  

So, I finally went and saw the Hunger Games. I can’t pretend I’m not a little disappointed. I loved the politics of the book, in fact I wish it was more of an adult book so that it could have dug deeper. But whatever, I’m glad I saw it all the same.

Also, I’m watching Glee right now….really? Quinn in a Wheelchair…OK then. I hope that actress is good at pretending she can’t feel her leg. Plus, poor Artie! 

Does anyone recall way back when I kept going on about not getting the job I wanted. That lifestyle I’d always dreamed off, how upset I was about it and how it was all dealt with. Well obviously I’m starting to move on, just taking it one day at a time, and feeling a little bit better from it. I just got a message tonight from a friend telling me that the position above the one I applied for is now available, and that apparently I might be a front runner to fill it.  

Things standing in my way: 

1. Me - I need to get over my confidence issues and take control, not be afraid to put myself out there again.  And be ready to work my ass off if I want it or get it
2. The big boss - He also lacks confidence in me, and part of that is earned, I let him down in a few ways. but that’s not the whole story. At this point I may actually be one of the only people with a general enough knowledge and experience to do this job. 
3. Money - It might require me to get certifications I can’t actually afford
4. The Black Keys - I have tickets to their concert, in the middle of staff training, if I were to take the job I would be boss, aka can’t miss out on staff training. 
5. An outsider - The big boss originally worked somewhere else and it is quite possible he will try and get someone from another location to come in and fill the position.  However, our track record with outsiders is bad, the last one in this position quit halfway through the summer. something we cannot afford again.
6. My friends - I have a lot of friends with more experience than me who would honestly probably be better at it. The question is whether they would actually want to.

• Friend 1 - Very qualified but would rather be out on the water
• Friend 2 - Bitter from last years gong-show, the big boss might actually rather hire me than her
• Friend 3-100 - I have a lot of friends who love this place and who the big boss likes more, I really have no idea what is on everyone’s mind these days, or who he might actually be thinking of asking to step in

I needed to get this out of my system so that I could get back to what i really need to focus on right now. STATS! I have an exam tomorrow at 6pm and I whole bunch to learn before then. 

Seriously, I’m just up late re-watching this show . I can’t sleep but whatever. Does anyone remember how awesome Pacey and Miss Jacobs were? I mean look at this shit…

The other day this friend of mine said I had no understanding of the pain of getting kicked in the balls. I agreed with him. I didn’t even pull out the women give birth they know pain, having no children I thought this was a weak argument. Right now, I sit hear in the same place I sat all day hunched over because it feels like someone is driving a knife into my ovaries, the pain isn’t stopping and it hasn’t all day… This is the pain I feel every month and will continue to feel every month for a very long time. He on the other hand said he hasn’t been hit in the nuts for a long time. I get it, that hurts, but I’d like him to experience this miracle of life, and get back to me about pain.